THE ‘SECOND CLASS’ DAD
(written by one)
He was an acquaintance of mine – at the church we attended in Chattanooga a few years ago. Not a close friend. He was a dad with two children, 8 & 12 yrs old, boy and girl, respectively. He was then divorced. We happened to bump into each other one day at a Subway. And we had lunch together. He was usually a quiet person, sorta remote, seemingly. But that day he wanted to talk. He told me about some of his life.
He was 32. He played football in high school. He had some college education. He married his high school sweetheart. He struggled in his small landscaping business. Then, came the divorce. She left him for another man. He didn’t dwell on it long. Mostly he talked about his kids. They were the light of his life! Being a single dad was thrust upon him. And he said, now being “single” and “a dad” he felt he had somehow become a ‘second class citizen’, at his church. I didn’t detect bitterness in him, but there was disappointment. He lamented that since his divorce he wasn’t called upon any more to lead in any worship activities. Before the divorce he was very active. His situation wasn’t, isn’t, unique. It’s an attitude thing in the church as a whole.
After all we exalt marriage and place it on a pedestal. And rightly so. So when divorce knocks you off of the lofty perch you do feel less than what you were. I believe it’s due too, to faulty stereotyping. He added, “Now I sit in the back of the church.” A sad commentary which speaks volumes. I could fully empathize with him. From my previous work as a Singles’ Minister in Atlanta I had seen that attitude in other churches. I know it’s a struggle for most churches not to regard single adults as ‘2nd class’ – or just ignore them. Most churches are ‘couple’ oriented. I don’t believe most churches plan it that way, it just happens. Leaders are all married with stable home environments and it’s difficult for them to really relate to ‘single hood’. It’s unfamiliar terrain for them. Its one thing to read a map, its altogether another to hack your way through a jungle.
Few churches have viable ministries to single adults. And fewer still, to single dads. ‘Single Mom’ ministries are here and there. It’s like single moms have more sensitive feelings and greater love for their children – than the dad – ditto on the faulty stereotyping thing again.
Since we lived in the same area of the city I’d see him out and about during the week, from time to time, driving his old beat-up flat bed truck, hauling plants and landscaping materials. Often his kids would be with him. He would tell me how they were his ‘helpers’. They’d beam with pride. He was proud of them. He told me how he had to go to court to ‘get his visitation rights’ with his children, even though he hadn’t been charged with any marital misbehavior. The stated reason for their divorce was the ‘catch-all’ and ‘divorce-all’ – “irreconcilable differences”. Still he would have to prove he was a worthy dad and fight the courts’ stereotyping of a single dad. He won.
Ed’s story probably parallels a growing number of Christian men today. These are dads who find themselves in a role they didn’t want or ask for – being a single dad. I’ve been there, twice – once through death – now in divorce. Yes, I write this from a very subjective position. But being a single dad – again – in no way changes my affection nor desire in being a loving, caring and protective dad. Like so many other Single Dads our role in “Daddy-ship” is accentuated, not diminished!
The default thinking today, in our society and the courts, favors the single mom. And the dad? Well, even though he loves his children, he is deprived of them most days and nights. Many single dads have been responsible, loving fathers struggling to provide the best of themselves and things for their families. Now his role has been diminished, and, so has he. He misses most the daily relationship of a father to his children, his family. He is now relegated to certain times on assigned days, to be a father. That’s the real world.
So, on behalf of all Single Dads – those of us who were (are) devoted to our families. To those who live in this undesired role – they don’t ask for pity or favoritism. However, understanding, respect and consideration, is nice. Of course, Ed was wrong in his feelings. We’re not “second class dads”.
And, oh by the way…..we’re not going away! Our tribe is increasing – if the statisticians and James Dobson (Focus on the Family) are correct – then over 50% of our ‘church’ marriages will dissolve in divorce! That’s a gate that church leadership can’t seem to shut.
So here we are church, dads without partners. The question is – “What do you do with us?” For some of us sitting in the back of the church is not an option.
And in June …..Happy Father’s Day! (Should you say that to a single dad?)
In His love
Carl Wade
On Wings of Eagles 